


Of Sunshine and Heavy Metals

by VulcanCalm



Series: Of Sunshine and Heavy Metals [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Break Up, Camping, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Minor Injuries, Shore Leave, away team mission, everyone is okay, hand kissing, mercury poisoning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-02 14:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VulcanCalm/pseuds/VulcanCalm
Summary: A shore leave camping trip and a heavy metal poisoning bring Jim and Spock closer, forcing them to face their growing feelings for each other.





	1. Chapter One- Jim's POV

**Author's Note:**

> This story wouldn't be even half as good without the wonderful help of the-character on Tumblr. Her edits were awesome; any mistakes left are completely my own.  
> (This fanwork is not-for-profit, it's just for fun! All characters are the property of their respective copyright owners.)

Jim stood on the beach and inhaled the ocean air. That familiar salt and fish smell was undercut with the fresh scent of the pine forest behind him. Further down the beach, Nyota and Spock were methodically laying out their tent and poles. Scotty and Keanser were arguing beyond them, their own tent (which Jim was also sharing, unfortunately) laying in a twisted pile of nylon and support poles. The five were the first there- Bones and Christine would be there in the morning once they were done supervising their resupply. Jim had offered to stay, but Bones had shushed him and summarily kicked him off the ship with doctor’s orders to rest and relax. Secretly Jim thought that Bones just wanted some time without him around to prepare Christine for their camping trip. She was plenty used to everyone by now- with all the care she had given them- but this was her first shore leave with most of the group together.

Scotty yipped and let off a long string of expletives, drawing Jim out of his thoughts. It was time for him to step in- those two wouldn’t get the tent set up properly before the end of the trip, let alone sundown. Scotty was standing next to the tent holding his arm and glaring at the partially-erected mess. Jim checked his arm- just a scratch- and then got to work on the tent. He had it up and secure just in time to join the rest of the group around the fire; his childhood camping trips were finally paying off. Tonight was Spock and Nyota’s night to cook and whatever they were making smelled good, although a little vegetable-heavy for his taste.

After dinner- a hearty vegetable stew with a dense Vulcan bread- Jim went off down the beach with a blanket to look at the stars. He was far enough down the beach that the firelight didn’t dim his view, but he could still hear his crewmates laughing and talking. He laid back on the blanket and let the chill of the sand sink into his sore back and shoulders. It had been a rough few months and this was the first time he felt like he could actually relax. No orders, no missions, no constant threats of death or injury to the more than 400 people who depended completely on his decisions. Just the stars.

He must have drifted off while examining the constellations visible in this night sky and woke up stiff and cold to the sound of footsteps. It was Spock, standing a respectful distance away with his hands behind his back. He looked so out of place, even in the dark, that Jim snorted.

“Problem Captain?”

“Come on Spock, relax a little. We’re on the beach, not the bridge.”

To his surprise, Spock did relax his posture a little and let his hands hang by his sides. “I suppose you are right Captain.” He looked up at the stars, “There is very little light pollution here, I wish I had brought some star maps for this region.”

Jim gestured to the blanket, his padd was off now but he had made sure he had all of the star maps and other relevant information for this trip. This was familiar territory for him, but most of the crew had never been to the Pacific Northwest. 

“I have star maps, and other information you might find interesting,” Spock moved to pick up the padd but Jim stopped him, “But you can only have it if you agree to call me Jim while we’re camping.” His tone was light and teasing, but he was serious. He knew Spock would do just about anything for knowledge and it would be weird to be called Captain all trip. It would only remind him of the endless responsibilities waiting for him.

“Agreed Capt- Jim.” Spock was full of surprises tonight; he rarely gave in to Jim’s “irrational human demands” so easily.

Jim scooped up the padd and handed it to Spock. “Have at it.”

“Thank you, Jim.” It sounded like he was trying out his name for the first time, seeing how it felt to say. Which was silly, Spock had called him Jim before, he just couldn’t quite remember when at the moment. For some reason it made Jim feel happy and slightly… anxious? He shook it off and stretched. “I’m going to hit the sack, want me to leave the blanket?”

“Yes, thank you.” Spock turned the padd on, squinting in the sudden light even though it was set at its lowest brightness setting. He stepped gingerly up to the blanket and sat down, carefully keeping his shoes in the sand. “Goodnight Jim.” 

“Goodnight Spock.” Jim turned and walked back down the beach towards the tents, exhaustion making his feet feel like lodestones in the sand.

Keanser snored and Scotty talked in his sleep, (something jumbled about the warp core), but Jim fell into a deep sleep nonetheless. Between the late night and the fresh air he slept hard and woke up with bright sunlight streaming into the tent and Bone’s distinctive gruff tone drifting up from somewhere down the beach.

He climbed out of the tent and stretched. It was a beautiful day- the fog from the night before was burning off and the ocean was sparkling. He stuffed his feet into his boots and went down to greet Bones. He gave him a hug and submitted to the doctor’s gaze. Bones must have been satisfied because he let him go after only a short once over and turned to Christine to help her with her bags. She was clearly pleased by his chivalry and Jim smiled behind his hand. It was about time Bones got back out there, and maybe with a woman in his life he would be too busy to nag Jim about his diet and lack of sleep and exercise.

After a heavy breakfast of eggs and bacon, the group gathered their packs for a hike. They packed some sandwiches- grilled eggplant for Spock and bologna for everyone else- and set out into the forest for a day hike up to a low mountain peak. The day was warming up nicely, but Jim knew that in a few hours he’d be roasting. At least Spock would be happy; he had been the only one in the group that hadn’t wanted to camp in the Pacific Northwest. His vote had been for the dessert but he’d quickly relented when Jim said it would be a ‘fascinating’ biome for Spock to explore. Jim secretly didn’t blame him- he loved the ocean and camping but he wouldn’t have turned down a group vote for Hawaii. Although after months in the climate-controlled ship just about any climate with variation was enough to brighten his mood.

The hike through the tall pines made Jim feel alive. The bright sunshine, the last wisps of the cool morning air, the birds singing- it was practically paradise. Unfortunately, it was also mostly uphill with very few areas of flat trail to give your legs a break. After less than an hour Jim’s legs were starting to ache and he stepped off the trail to rest on a large rock. Maybe Bones had been right- he had been slacking on his physical fitness lately (not that he would ever admit that to the doctor).

After a short rest they started back up the trail. The sun was high in the sky now and everyone except Spock was sweating. Spock had taken up the lead (apparently, he had not been slacking in _his_ physical fitness) and he picked his way through the rocks and roots on the trail deftly. Jim guessed that Vulcan had some kind of tradition of hiking that he hadn’t known about. Halfway up the mountain the group stopped to rest and have lunch. The view was spectacular- a break in the trees let them see all the way down to the beach and the Pacific Ocean beyond. Jim ate his sandwich in silence, glad for the rest. He would be feeling this hike tomorrow morning for sure. Spock had finished his lunch already and came to sit next to Jim, asking about some of the trees and plants he was unfamiliar with.

“I’m actually not sure about that one Spock- it’s too bad Sulu and his family couldn’t come. He would have known for sure. Nah, I mostly just learned which plants not to touch when I came here as a kid. But I did load some botany stuff onto the padd before we left, so maybe you can read about them when we get back to camp.”

Spock nodded. “Thank you, Jim, that will be most interesting.” He paused a moment, “Did you enjoy coming here in your youth?”

Jim was surprised at the personal question. Spock seemed to be taking his words about relaxing to heart and trying to make conversation. “Yeah, I did. I always liked camping, especially here. The ocean, the forest- very different from Iowa.”

“They are very different biomes, that is true. We did not camp on Vulcan when I was young, there were too many dangerous animals.”

Hearing Spock talk about his childhood home in the past tense was always hard, but he didn’t want to spoil the mood so he smiled. “There are dangerous animals here too, Spock. But don’t worry- they don’t mess with humans as long as we respect that this is their territory.” He looked out over the sunny forest. “The best part about camping is that it’s so far removed from normal life. You can do what you want and the only work you have to do is make yourself some food and keep the fire going. Plus, there are no uniforms. Although, somehow you still look like you’re wearing one.” He wasn’t sure why he said it, he teased Spock fairly regularly, but only when he deserved it.

Spock actually blushed a little. His black pants and shirt did look very similar to the base of their Starfleet uniforms, but Jim supposed that it would be odd to see Spock out of that uniform, or his Vulcan robes. “I will admit that I did not know what clothing was appropriate for camping.”

Jim laughed. “I guess you wouldn’t. But you did fine- in a few hours everyone else is going to wish they were wearing long sleeves and pants when the mosquitos come out!”

Spock nodded. He had read about mosquitos before coming no doubt. Jim was actually curious if the annoying little bugs would try to go after Spock at all.

The sun was blocked out of Jim’s face by a tall shape- Bones, with his pack on his back again. “You two ready to go? Or are we going to sit here until I die of old age?”

Jim crumpled his sandwich wrapper in his hands and stood, stretching. “We might as well, we have a ways left to go before we reach the summit.”

An hour later minor disaster struck. Spock had once again been walking ahead of the group; he must have stepped wrong because one moment he was standing, silhouetted against the afternoon sun, and the next moment he was gone. He fell with a short, sharp cry and the sound of clattering falling rocks. Jim was next in line and ran forward to see that Spock had indeed stepped wrong- on a loose rock- and fallen off of the trail and into a shallow depression in the forest floor. He was sitting at the bottom of it, holding his leg but looking otherwise unharmed.

“Spock! Are you okay?” Jim threw his pack on the ground and scrambled off the trail.

“I am okay Jim, but I seem to have injured my ankle.” The rest of the group had caught up by now and Bones was pulling a first aid kit from his bag. It looked larger than any travel first aid kit Jim had ever seen, and he secretly suspected he was the reason.

Bones sat in the damp vegetation and gently examined Spock’s leg. “It’s a sprain, and a pretty good one at that.” He pulled Spock’s boot off and began to wrap his leg. “He won’t be able to make the hike back down; he should stay off of this ankle until it’s healed some.” He dug in his case and pulled out a hypospray and and two instant ice packs. He shook one of the ice packs and handed it to Spock. “I’m going to give you a painkiller. You should ice your ankle right now for 20 minutes. Use the other ice pack when you get back to camp. You’ll have to keep it elevated.” He injected the hypospray and looked at Jim. “I’m afraid he won’t be able to finish the hike.” 

Nyota had climbed off the trail as well and was sitting next to Spock with her hand on his arm. “Well he can’t stay here. I would be willing to head back to camp, but there’s no way I can carry him.”

“I can do it.” Jim said. “I’ve done this hike before, so I’ve already seen the view from the top.”

“Are you sure?” Nyota looked from him to Bones.

Spock cleared his throat, clearly annoyed at not being included in the decision. Jim ignored him. “Yeah, of course. I could use a nap anyway, Bones- you might be right about the exercise.”

Bones harrumphed and finished with Spock’s ankle.

Spock tried to stand. “Please, I can finish th-“ He fell against Nyota.

“I told you- you can’t walk on it.” Bones helped him sit back down.

“Come on Spock,” said Jim, “You can read up about those plants you were asking me about.”

Spock begrudgingly agreed and Jim rearranged their packs so that they only carried some trail mix, water, and the second ice pack.

Nyota stood up. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come back with you? I probably won’t be back until late…” 

“Of course. Nyota, go and enjoy your hike. I will read up on the local flora, as Jim said. You would only distract me.” From anyone else that would have seemed rude, but Spock’s tone was soft and Nyota was used to his Vulcan bluntness. 

She nodded, “Yeah, you’re right. I will see you when I get back. Try to rest.” She gave him a light kiss and climbed back onto the trail.

The group headed out. Jim handed Spock their pack and he put it on, somewhat awkwardly from where he sat in the dirt. Jim could tell that Spock was feeling a little embarrassed, although he would never admit it.

“That was a pretty good fall, Spock. You were lucky to get off with just a sprain. God knows Bones would have halted the whole trip if you had broken something.” He laughed, “Not like my parents at all- I fell on the beach out here when I was 7 and my step-dad made me bite a towel while he super-glued my foot back together so we wouldn’t have to leave early.”

Spock looked up in surprise. “Super glue? I would not think that would be a recommended use.”

Jim leaned down and helped Spock up. “I’m going to carry you on my back okay?” He carefully avoided the words ‘piggy back ride.’ “And yeah, you can use super glue in place of stitches in a pinch. You’re definitely not supposed to, but it works. Hurts like hell though.”

He lifted Spock fully and was surprised that he wasn’t heavier. Spock was a slim man, but somehow, he always seemed larger to Jim. Strong personality I guess, he thought. He told Spock the whole story of his injury while they started down the mountain. By the end it seemed like Spock was feeling a bit better, although Jim knew that the jostling of his ankle was probably uncomfortable.

They lapsed into silence after that, which Jim was grateful for- Spock was lighter than he thought but he was still a full-grown man and Jim was starting to get a bit out of breath. He vowed to himself to put in double time at the gym when they got back to ship. He tried to hide his exhaustion when they stopped a few times on the trail for a rest, but he was pretty sure Spock could tell. He didn’t say anything though, which amused Jim. He had tried to take away Spock’s embarrassment over his ankle, and Spock was doing the same now.

It was early afternoon when they got back to the beach. He set Spock down on a blanket someone had left by the fire and collapsed on the sand but not before rolling up another towel and propping up Spock’s swollen ankle. Spock handed him some water and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

“I guess I should get the fire started up again. Do you want me to bring you the padd?” Jim said.

Spock nodded. “Could you also bring me my tea? It’s in a green bag just inside my tent.” He seemed a bit shy about the request, but Jim knew that Spock loved his tea. It was one of the few things from his home that he kept on hand. Now that Vulcan had been destroyed, anything that could remind a Vulcan of home was a precious commodity. Jim knew from his own curious research that this tea was hard to cultivate, even on New Vulcan with its similar climate, and very expensive.

Inside Spock and Nyota’s tent it was hot. He poked his head in and immediately saw the green bag. It was the size of a large book and woven of the thick, wool-like fabric that Vulcan’s favored. He picked it up carefully, mindful of its value- monetarily and otherwise. He brought it out to Spock, along with the padd, and got started on the fire. There were still bright embers left over from breakfast, so it was only a few minutes before the fire was burning cheerfully and Spock’s tea was filling the air with a spicy, smoky aroma. Jim dug out the second ice pack and handed it to Spock. “Doctor’s orders.”

Spock took it with a small smile and shook it. It was endearing watching him carefully manipulating the bag, testing to see if it was getting colder yet. He was so methodical about everything he did. It made Jim smile and he turned to look at the ocean. He was tired and his shoulders ached, but more than that he was hot. The ocean was looking very cool and refreshing, so he dug out his swim trunks.

The sand felt very hot under his feet and he jogged to the water’s edge. The waves were cool, almost cold, but it felt good. He ran into the water and dove under the surface. The cold water was a shock to his system but in a good way. He swam around for a while, enjoying the way the salty water supported his weight. It reminded him of the lighter gravity of some space ports. In a way, the ocean was a lot like space, no wonder he loved it.

When he started to get cold, he got out. Walking up the hot sand in the warm air felt great, very comforting. Until he noticed that Spock wasn’t reading the padd anymore. Instead, he was watching Jim. Suddenly Jim felt self-conscious about the way his hair must be looking and the way his trunks were sticking to his body. He didn’t adjust them though; it wasn’t like Jim to admit ever feeling less than perfect about the way he looked. He forced himself to leave them, and his hair, and walked up to Spock near the fire.

Spock held out a camp mug. “I made you some tea. I read that the ocean in this part of your world is around 60 degrees Fahrenheit- well below what is considered comfortable for humans.”

Jim took the tea gratefully and sipped. It was warm and sweet- Spock had added a significant amount of honey. Jim was touched that he had remembered. Spock never sweetened his own tea, and without any sugar or honey it could be quite bitter and astringent.

He drank his tea and it, combined with the warm sunshine, made him sleepy. He spread out his towel next to the fire and closed his eyes. He felt safe and warm laying on the sand next to his friend. He listened to Spock breathe and drink tea as the tension in his body melted away. Only belatedly did he worry about sunburn, but by then he was already half asleep.

The rest of the week passed quickly and without any major incident, except for the night that everyone overheard Bones and Christine having sex in their tent and then teased them so mercilessly the next day that Bones had threatened everyone with a mystery hypospray. Jim swam in the ocean, took short walks along the beach, and read a real paper book he had been saving for this trip. Spock mostly looked at the tide pools and commented on the interesting features of plants and animals he read about on the padd. It seemed like they had barely been there when the hover vehicles came to pick them up on Sunday morning. They packed their things a little slower than necessary and piled in for the ride back to the Starfleet base in Seattle. Jim was sad to see their trip end, but also a little relieved. He had spent a great deal of time with Spock since his ankle kept him confined to the areas around camp to which he could hobble, and Jim had been feeling Spock’s eyes on him more and more. He was beginning to feel almost like Spock wanted to tell him something, but he wasn’t sure what it could be and he didn’t want to ask. A few times on the ride home he tried to catch Spock looking at him, but failed. By the time they reached Seattle he was pretty convinced that he had imagined it all. Which was somehow worse? Also, his sunburn was getting quite painful and Bones had refused to treat it. He didn’t even remember promising to wear sunscreen!


	2. Chapter Two- Jim's POV

A week after shore leave, things on the Enterprise were getting back to normal routine for Jim. They had fully re-supplied and exchanged crewmembers and were on route to their next mission- an observation and charting of a system that hadn’t been fully mapped or analyzed. It was boring work for Jim, mostly paperwork and filing endless reports and sorting out the few crew transitions that hadn’t gone completely smoothly. Bones had finally agreed to rid him of his sunburn a few days after they returned, but Jim was still uncomfortable. He had been keeping up with his promise to himself and hitting the gym for longer than normal and his body hadn’t adjusted quite yet.

He took a sip of his coffee as the door pinged.

“Come in.”

It was Spock, carrying a stack of padds with the first long-range scanner results of the system they were headed for. “I have the reports Captain. Fairly standard readings for this sector and system size, but there is one magnetically anomalous planet in the system that may prove interesting.”

Great, Jim thought, a minor change in the way metals behave, or maybe a radio wave distortion. It could prove interesting, but he doubted it. He took the padds and laid them on his desk, next to the stack he was already working his way through. Spock didn’t leave immediately, so Jim looked up. He was hovering near the door; it looked like he was trying to decide if he should say something or not.

“What is it Spock? Is there an issue?”

Spock straightened his posture. “No, Captain. I merely wanted to thank you for your assistance during our camping trip. Dr. McCoy has examined my ankle and it is fully healed. He said that if you had not carried me there may have been some lasting damage.”

“Oh. You’re welcome, I really didn’t mind. That’s why you don’t go hiking alone- injuries happen!” He was trying very hard for a casual tone. That day on the trail had really stuck in his mind for some reason, probably because Spock wasn’t much for casual touch or something. Yeah, that was it- a bit awkwardly intimate for his friendship with Spock.

“Yes, of course.” He paused. “Please tell me what you think of that anomaly, when you have time.” He turned to leave but stopped. “Captain, you really shouldn’t be drinking so much coffee when you are exercising so vigorously. If you like, I can bring you some Vulcan tea to drink instead. It has anti-inflammatory properties.”

Jim looked down at his rapidly cooling coffee to hide his surprise. “Really? Thank you, Spock, that would be nice.”

Spock left and Jim sat for a moment, feeling left-of-center. Maybe carrying Spock on his back for 3 miles hadn’t been too intimate for their friendship, maybe it had just unlocked a new layer behind Spock’s cool façade. He had tried to make conversation with Jim on their trip, and now he was offering some of his precious tea. It was probably good for Spock; besides Nyota he didn’t seem to spend a great deal of time with anyone else on the ship. It made Jim’s chest feel warm that Spock was his friend- the man was an island and Jim loved being in his inner circle. More than any other friend that he had ever had, Spock made Jim feel… something. Seen maybe? Important? He wasn’t sure, but he knew it was as rare and valuable as the tea Spock had promised to bring him. 

In any case, he couldn’t think about it anymore right now- the stack of padds wasn’t getting any smaller and he didn’t want to be dealing with crew member squabbles and food replicator complaints on top of all the new system data tomorrow.

-

“Scanning planet x78np2 Captain. Same magnetic anomaly detected by the long-range scanners.”

“Switch to composition analysis only, let’s see if we can figure out what minerals this planet is composed of.”

“Yes sir, switching to composition analysis.”

Scanning at this level of detail took a few minutes, so Jim sat back in his chair and stretched his neck. An ensign appeared with a tray of coffees and Jim grinned- who ever had thought ahead to order them deserved a promotion. Spock was closest to the ensign so he took the tray and deftly handed out the drinks. He handed Jim his last and stayed standing near him. In a moment Jim knew why. What looked like coffee was actually tea- Vulcan tea- sweetened with an absurd amount of honey. He almost coughed on his first sip in surprise and covered it by taking another sip.

“Mmm,” He sighed, a bit exaggerated for Spock’s benefit, “the perfect pick me up for a long shift of hunching over screens.” There were sounds of assent all around and Jim looked at Spock.

“Thank you, Spock.” Spock merely inclined his head, but Jim could see the barest ghost of a smile in his eyes. The scanner beeped, signaling that it had finished with the scan. Spock set the tray down and read out the planet’s composition. A slightly higher percentage of magnetic iron than most planets in this system, just enough to be outside of the range of normal variation but not enough to account for the high magneticity. Jim’s mood lifted significantly- this was something that should be investigated by an away team!

The scanner had also shown a high level of elemental mercury in the stones on the planet’s surface so they donned protective suits before beaming down. It was more a precaution than anything, Jim didn’t think that any of the away team would be eating anything on the planet’s surface but it was best to be prepared. He hated the bulky metallic suits, they slowed him down and made it difficult to see. But regulations were regulations, and he would rather not risk his crew (even if he would have preferred to risk himself).

The planet’s surface was grey with streaks of rusty red and so far, devoid of any signs of life. The scanners had revealed no life either, but it was hard to trust the readings so they had beamed down with phasers out and set to stun. The air was slightly hazy and a hot breeze blew lightly. Inside his suit, Jim began to sweat.

Spock and the other members of the away team fanned out over the flat area the team had beamed into, taking readings with their tricorders. Jim looked around at the mostly flat landscape. There were a few low hills and some red-grey cliffs some miles into the distance, but otherwise the planet was a barren rocky wasteland. He sighed. It’s not like Jim had wanted to put his crew in danger, but this planet was about as boring as the reports still sitting on his desk. The least he could have asked for was a view. He walked over to join Spock.

“Getting any interesting readings, Spock?” Spock jumped- he hadn’t heard Jim’s footsteps through the muffling quality of his suit. Jim smiled where Spock couldn’t see it- Spock could usually give lessons on situational awareness so it was rare to get one over on him. “Sorry to startle you.” Jim said.

“No apology is necessary Captain, I should be more alert, we are on an unknown planet. I have not gotten any readings that differ from the ship’s scanners. This planet appears to be made of a particularly dense magnetic iron-based alloy streaked with elemental mercury- that’s the red mineral you see here.” He gestured at the ground. “I have instructed Johansson to take samples of it to be analyzed on the ship.”

There was nothing off about Spock to anyone observing their conversation, but Jim wasn’t just anyone. Usually asking Spock a science question yielded a long explanation filled to the brim with jargon and detail. Spock was distracted, there was something on his mind. Jim filed that in the back of his mind to ask about later. The away team finished taking readings and samples quickly and gathered around Jim. He took a last look around as they packed away their gear. Jim was pretty sure this was the fastest away team mission he had ever been on. He opened his communicator.

“Come in Enterprise”

Nyota’s voice came over the communicator, “Enterprise here, Captain.”

“Five to beam up.”

The away team rematerialized on the transporter pad and underwent a short UV decontamination sequence designed to kill any bacteria or spores they may have encountered on the planet’s surface. Some lessons had been hard ones; bringing back harmful living organisms from an away mission wasn’t something they were planning to do again.

Jim pulled off his helmet and took a breath of circulated air. After the suit, it was almost fresh.

“Well boys, another one in the bag. We should be done scanning and mapping this system by the end of the week. Spock, when do you think you’ll have an analysis on those samples from the surface?”  
Spock pulled off his own helmet. Jim was always amused by how the Vulcan’s hair fell perfectly back into place every time he did that. “I will begin analysis at once Captain, I should have a report by tomorrow.”

“Perfect. Let’s get out of these suits.” There were sounds of agreement all around and the away team shed their heavy suits and put them in the full decontamination pods. Spock was the first to finish; he moved so quickly that he didn’t even take the time he usually took to carefully place the components of the suit in the decom pod. He left the transporter room quickly. He didn’t even see to the proper storage of the samples- leaving it instead to Johansson. Jim waited until the rest of the away team had left to finish securing the decom pods. He had wanted to go after Spock but duty came first. He keyed in the sequence and left, feeling a strange anxiety building in his gut. _What was bothering Spock?_ He hoped it was nothing he had done, although what that could be he didn’t know.

He checked in on the bridge, but there was really nothing for him to do there, so he went to look for Spock. Now seemed as good a time as any to ask Spock what was wrong. He was worried as a friend, and as a captain.

There was still an hour left on alpha shift, but Spock had not gone to the lab. Johannsson was there though, starting the first round of tests on the samples.

“Said he was tired after the mission, I told him he should rest. It’s not like he ever takes a day off.” Jim’s expression must have said what his mouth didn’t, because Johannsson cocked his head and said, “Now that I think of it, Mister Spock never takes time off or leaves early. A bit odd if you ask me.”

The anxiety in the pit of his stomach was growing. “Has he said anything lately- about anything bothering him or something?”

“No, sir. But Mister Spock never talks about his personal life.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Jim put on a wide smile. “Well, maybe that planet was so boring it even put our resident Vulcan to sleep. Why don’t you secure those samples and head out yourself? They’ll be here tomorrow and there will be plenty of time for whatever tests Spock has planned then.” Jim actually felt a little tired himself, come to think of it.

Johansson nodded and thanked Jim, but he didn’t hear it. He was already out the door and headed towards Spock’s quarters. Something was bothering Spock and he suddenly had to know what it was. He had made it about half way when his tiredness turned into a sudden wave of dizziness. He leaned against the wall with his head down, waiting for it to pass. After a moment it did, and he started walking again, only to be hit again just a few steps later with an added side of confusion. _Where had he been going?_ Oh, Spock’s quarters. He pushed away from the wall and started walking again, but his steps were becoming unsteady and his vision was narrowing- a reddish blackness on his periphery growing with each drunken step. He kept walking, stopping every few steps to stabilize himself on the wall. _What is happening to me?_ Every thought was hazy- somewhere in the back of his mind he thought about calling for Bones, but he just kept walking towards Spock’s quarters. The last thing he remembered was the sound of a door swooshing open and the sight of Spock’s concerned face hovering over him before everything went black.


	3. Chapter Three- Spock's POV

Spock had opened his door when he heard a strange thud on the other side. It was the Captain, flushed and sweaty and half on his knees, reaching for the door panel. He looked up at Spock and then promptly lost consciousness. Spock caught him as he fell and called for Doctor McCoy. His heart was pounding. He was holding Jim half-inside and half-outside of is quarters and for the first time in his life, he had no idea what to do. He was helpless- usually he could do something but he didn’t know what was wrong. All he could do was wait for the doctor to come. He wanted to reach out and initiate a meld, to touch Jim’s mind and see its condition. He wanted to press his head to Jim’s chest and listen to his heartbeat. He wanted to do something, anything but sit there holding Jim and waiting for Doctor McCoy to come.   
M’benga came instead- McCoy had his hands full in Sickbay with the rest of the away team who had all suddenly become ill. Bones hadn’t even had time to send for the Captain yet. Only Spock remained unaffected.   
Spock followed M’benga. Sickbay was chaotic- nurses and Doctor McCoy were running back and forth between the beds monitoring vitals and reading patient files on their padds as the doctor worked out his diagnosis.   
“Put him here!” McCoy shouted from across the room, gesturing to an empty bed. He turned away and examined the Ensign laying on the bed in front of him.   
“He’s out cold- Chapel! Stabilize him and monitor his condition.” Chapel took over for him and he turned to the captain. He was laying on the bed unevenly, his neck in an uncomfortable position. Spock clasped his hands behind his back, resisting the urge to readjust it.   
“Well don’t just stand there like a statue, help me move him!” McCoy demanded as he straighten Jim’s head himself. Spock moved to his captain’s side and helped pull him onto the bed correctly. Jim was still, as still as death is what McCoy would probably say, and it made Spock’s stomach feel as if it were weighted down with stones (as illogical as the expression was, it was accurate). McCoy fussed over Jim, taking his vitals and running various instruments over his head, heart, and stomach.   
After a moment, McCoy stepped back and stretched his shoulders. “Well the good news is that Jim’s case doesn’t look any worse than the others, and they seem mostly stable.”  
“And the bad news?” Spock asked.   
“What? Oh- the bad news is that it’s mercury poisoning from that godforsaken planet. It must have been floating as particles in the atmosphere. They’ve all had a pretty high dose.”  
He stopped and looked at Spock. Without realizing it, Spock had let his usual neutral expression drop, he suddenly realized that McCoy could see the tension in his face. He couldn’t bring himself to care. How had he missed those readings during the scan? The magnetic interference must have been worse than he thought.   
“They’re not going to die Spock. What I’m more worried about is permanent nerve damage. I have Chapel preparing the treatment now, I think we caught it in time. I hope anyway. We won’t know for sure until they wake up.”   
McCoy kept talking, about outcomes and concentrations, but Spock barely heard him. He was looking down at the Captain’s slack face. This had to stop happening, thought Spock. It was too dangerous for a Captain to accompany away missions all of the time. It was too dangerous for Jim- his Jim- to keep doing this. He closed his eyes for a moment. He knew Jim’s stance on away missions, but maybe there was a way to make him see logic.   
McCoy waved his hand in front of Spock’s face. “Earth to spaceman, did you hear me?”  
Spock concealed his startlement. “No, I’m sorry Doctor. What did you say?”  
“I said you should probably be on the bridge. You’re acting captain until Jim recovers and I’d like to finish and get as far from this system as possible, as soon as possible.”   
Spock nodded at McCoy and left Sickbay briskly. He didn’t look back at Jim’s face, he didn’t need any more reminders that he hadn’t been able to protect his captain and crew mates. He should have been more vigilant; he should have seen the danger. He had been distracted and it had put Jim’s health at risk. He had failed as a first officer, and as a friend.   
Spock sat in the captain’s chair on the bridge and looked over the data from the system. He had wondered why there were no sapient inhabitants in this entire system and only one or two planets that had any signs of life in the form of bacteria or small creatures. The high level of mercury in the low atmosphere must be at least part of the answer, he thought bitterly. He tried to distract himself by calculating the possibility that solar winds might have blown more mercury from this planet into the other’s atmospheres. It was only minorly successful, his thoughts kept returning to Jim laying in Sickbay. He relented and let himself think about Jim, but forced himself to be productive. He thought through each moment of the away mission and the hour afterwards, trying to figure out when the exposure had happened. No one had breathed the air on the planet. Finally, he could sit there no longer and he handed the conn over to Sulu. He knew he should return to his quarters to meditate, but his feet took him to Sickbay.   
The treatment had been administered and seemed to already be working, judging from the fact the Doctor McCoy was sitting in his office sipping bourbon.   
Spock stuck his head into the office. “Doctor?”  
“Come in- here, hand me a glass.” McCoy pointed to a few clean glasses sitting on a side table. Spock handed one over and he poured a few fingers worth and held it out to Spock. Spock took the glass and sipped delicately. He was not overly fond of the taste of bourbon, but he understood the cultural significance the act had to the country doctor.   
McCoy set his empty glass down and leaned back in his chair. “I’ve administered the chelation therapy; now we wait.”  
“What are we waiting for?” Spock’s guilt surged to the surface. He knew that heavy metal poisoning could leave its victims with an array of unpleasant side effects. His mind reeled for a moment, imagining the possible outcomes.   
“Well, once the mercury is fully bound it will be inert. The symptoms have already begun to lessen. I’ve sedated everyone, so they won’t be waking up anytime soon. When they do though, we’ll know if there has been any damage. There’s only one thing I can’t figure out.”  
“What is that, Doctor?”   
“How they all got exposed to that much mercury? Didn’t everyone wear suits?”  
“We did. That question also occurred to me, and I think I have the answer. The planet was quite hot and caused everyone to sweat. When we removed our suits the mercury that was deposited by the atmosphere became adhered to their skin. As I did not sweat, I was spared. I believe that as the away team returned to a more comfortable temperature the mercury became airborne again, as well as possibly being absorbed through their skin.”  
McCoy looked alarmed. “Do not worry doctor, I already had a full scan of the ship performed and any remaining mercury removed from the air. I do not believe anyone else was put at risk, the remaining mercury was mostly confined to the transporter room and the lab.”  
McCoy sat back. “That does make sense, although I’m surprised none of the ships’ decontamination scanners picked it up before that.”  
“The scanners are set for living organisms- bacteria, viruses, and spores. I have taken the liberty to add common toxic substances and heavy metals to the decontamination protocols.”  
The doctor snorted. “Mercury. A million miles from Earth and we still can’t escape our past.”  
Spock raised his eyebrows.  
“Well you see, Spock, mercury is- well not common- but certainly found on Earth. Hundreds of years ago…”   
Spock sipped his bourbon and let Doctor McCoy ramble, knowing that it was his way of quelling the nerves from waiting. Spock had his own ideas about how he wanted to wait for Jim to wake up.   
Suddenly McCoy stopped, mid sentence. “But you don’t want to sit here all-night listening to me go on and on. I’m sure you have other things you’d rather be doing.”  
Spock was relieved. He stood and placed his now empty glass on the table. “Goodnight Doctor, and good work.”  
McCoy looked mildly surprised. “Well, ah, thank you. It is my job after all- patching up the away team every time Jim does something stupid.”  
Spock inclined his head and left the Doctor’s office. He didn’t even pretend to entertain ideas about where he should go, he simply sat on the chair next to Jim’s bed. There was a peace in being so close to Jim, being able to watch him. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but he restrained himself. He felt like he didn’t deserve the comfort- he illogically wished that it was him lying in the bed instead of Jim. The thought brings a sudden jolt of pain- if it was him lying there instead of Jim, what would Jim be feeling right now? The same as he was? He wouldn’t want to cause him pain. What if Jim felt nothing? No- of course he would be concerned. Jim was always concerned with the well-being of his crew, and his friends. An ugly emotion reared its head; jealousy at being considered one of Jim’s friends and nothing more.   
He was in love with his Captain. The knowledge had come slowly but he had known for some time now. Logic dictated that he not deny it- there would be no point. It was better to face it head on and find peace with it. The understanding that it could never be more than a desire had come fast on the heels of his realization and Spock had accepted it. He had ended his romantic relationship with Nyota. After the camping trip he had realized that there was no one for him but Jim Kirk. It had caused him some pain to do so, but he could not continue with her knowing that they desired different things. Spock would never admit it aloud, but he knew he was stubborn. If he could not be with the one he desired, he would rather be alone. He also knew it would be unfair to continue seeing Nyota when he could never give her what she required. She was an exceptional woman and deserved the best; he hoped that in time they could be friends. As it was now, he had easily altered his daily schedule to give Nyota space.   
Unfortunately, this had put him on almost the same schedule as Jim. That had been…difficult- wanting to be near Jim, but also to avoid him. He worried that his feelings would become obvious, but he also hoped that they would.   
His mind was jumbled and he needed to meditate, but he wouldn’t leave Jim’s side. He stilled himself in his chair and tried to pull the calming cloak of mediation around him. He stayed that way until Jim woke up, 17.5 hours later.


	4. Chapter Four- Jim's POV

Beeping. Hushed tones and footsteps. Slowly, Jim came to consciousness. He was in Sickbay, he knew that- but why? He tried to think back- he was filing reports, he was scanning the planet, he was on an away team, he beamed back to the Enterprise…

He was incredibly thirsty; he moved his head carefully and saw a figure sitting in the chair next to his bed. It was Spock, slumped over asleep. Jim forgot about water for a moment and just looked at Spock. He looked tired.

It’s cliché, but Spock does look younger when he was sleeping. A warmth spread in Jim’s chest, knowing that his friend had stayed with him when he was… _ill?_ His concern was growing- _what had happened?_ _I must have been unconscious,_ he thought. He hated being unconscious when his crew needed him.

Spock opened his eyes and their eyes meet for a moment before Spock straightens up and assumes his normal neutral façade. In that moment Jim sees something in his eyes, something is definitely bothering his first officer and he doesn’t think it has anything to do with his current medical situation.

“Spock.” It comes out a croak.

“Captain? Are you alright?”

“Water?”

Spock nods and get up to pour a glass from the pitcher on the table. He tries to hand Jim the glass, but he’s still groggy from the hypospray so Spock holds it for him. Jim grasps his wrist and feels a strange tingling pressure radiating from their point of contact. He wonders if it’s the famous Vulcan touch telepathy. It’s not an unpleasant sensation but he is relieved once he’s had a drink and can let go of Spock’s wrist and lay back down.

The cool water feels like heaven and he can finally talk. He grills Spock for the details and Spock dutifully outlines the last two days- the sudden illness, Bones’ quick thinking, the ongoing observation of the planet. Finally, Spock sits back in his chair. He looks weary, but Jim pushes on. He knows he should rest- the ship is safe- but he finds that he can’t.

“Spock?”

“Yes Captain?” Spock’s face is carefully composed.

“Is there anything bothering you?” He isn’t sure how else to ask.

“No Captain.” Spock’s face is an inscrutable mask.

“Ever since we got back from shore leave, you have seemed…off somehow. I can’t explain it, but I think I know you well enough by now to know when something is wrong. We’re friends Spock, whatever it is, I’m sure we can solve it.”

Spock’s face softens, almost imperceptibly. “Thank you, Jim. I did not want my personal life to intrude on my duties, but obviously I have failed.” The very corners of his lips turned up the Vulcan version of a rueful smile. “There is nothing to solve. My relationship with Nyota has ended.”

“Oh Spock, I’m so sorry. Is there something I can do?”

“I do not think so. It was I who ended the relationship.”

“Oh.” Jim can’t think of anything else to say.

Spock holds out the water glass and Jim sits up with difficulty to take it. He’s weak, but he feels fine otherwise. They sit in silence for a moment before the door opens and Bones comes in.

“Jim! You’re supposed to be resting. How long as he been awake?” The last was directed at Spock.

“I’m afraid I didn’t check the time, doctor. I was about to leave. Goodnight Captain, Doctor.” He leaves Jim to deal with Bones alone.

Bone’s checks Jim over and then brings out the hypospray.

“Aww come on Bones, I don’t need that.”

“The hell you don’t, if I don’t knock you out, you’ll be on the bridge before I turn around.”

Jim tries to protest but Bones has gotten fast with those hyposprays and Jim is too weak to dodge. “Just rest Jim, if your vitals are strong tomorrow, I will personally declare you fit for duty.”

Jim is already sleepy so he nods and lays down. He is drifting on a wave of whatever was in that hypo, replaying his conversation with Spock.

_“Thank you, Jim.”_

Spock had called him Jim. That was the last thought he had as he fell asleep, feeling warm and content in a way he didn’t want to examine just yet.

Over the next two weeks the members of the away team slowly regained their health. A few had some respiratory damage, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed by modern medicine and rest. Bones kept Jim updated on all of them and he made a special effort to check in on them himself every few days. Jim had avoided the worst of it himself, but he had been more tired than usual. Bones had assured him that it was temporary, to Jim’s relief. They had gotten off lucky this time.

Meanwhile Jim tried to be there for his friend. He wasn’t sure how Vulcans got over break-ups, but he figured he would try human methods. He invited Spock to his quarters more often, almost every night, to play chess. Spock always accepted with a bit of a melancholy air, but Jim attributed that to having to spend most days on the bridge, working with Nyota. Jim knew that Spock felt, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, and maintaining that blank façade in front of his ex-girlfriend couldn’t be easy, even for a Vulcan. Plus, Spock had changed his meals and recreation times; he was obviously avoiding her as much as he could.

He tried to broach the topic once, over their third game of the night, but Spock shut him down.

“So, what happened between you and Uhura?”

Spock moved his bishop. “We were not well-suited for each other.”

Jim studied the board. “How so? Did she have trouble with your Vulcan heritage? That even took me a while to get used to.”

Spock looked up and regarded Jim for a long moment. “No, Nyota was…lovely. It was me. I ended the relationship. I would rather discuss other topics.”

“Of course.” Jim’s curiosity was peaked, but he let it lie and focused on the game. Spock was close to winning, he considered each of his possible moves carefully.

“Would you say that you are… _used to my Vulcan heritage_?”

Spock’s question startled Jim out of his strategizing. “Huh? Oh, yeah, I would say so.” Jim made a move, a delaying tactic to distract Spock from his imminent win.

“Does it ever bother you?” Spock was looking very hard at the board. His version of feigning nonchalance, badly.

“No. Not really. At first, it did, yeah. But it is just a part of who you are. We all have our quirks.”

Spock mulled over his answer for a moment before moving his knight to checkmate Jim’s king. Jim acknowledged the win and they reset the pieces together. Spock’s mood seemed lifted and they played two more games, both of which Spock won.

Spock’s mood remained lifted the next day- a relief to the entire bridge crew who had been wearing themselves thin walking on eggshells around Spock and Nyota. Jim took the time to turn his attention to Nyota- he had been so preoccupied with being a good friend to Spock that he had almost forgotten that he was her friend as well. When he grew tired of sitting and scanning the remaining planets in the system, he took a break for some coffee and invited her to join him.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. I’m okay.” Nyota said over her steaming cup of green tea.

“Do what? Have a coffee with a friend?” He tilted his mug toward her before taking a sip.

She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Check up on me. I really am fine- no problems in preforming my duties whatsoever.”

“Oh, I never worried about that.” Kirk set down his coffee. “I’ll admit that I was checking in on you, but as a friend, not a captain. What happened between you and Spock?”

Nyota set her tea down and sighed. “I’m not really sure, actually. Everything seemed fine, until it didn’t. If I’m being honest, I’m relieved; although I feel bad for saying that.”

Jim took a drink and gestured for her to continue.

“Don’t get me wrong, I still have feelings for him- I still love him. Part of me probably always will, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I love the Enterprise; I love serving in Starfleet- but this isn’t my plan forever. It’s his. If we stayed together then we could never be a real family- he would always be gone out here- with you. Actually, you two are a lot more alike in that regard than you think. Plus, if I’m really telling it all here, the cultural differences were a bit much for me sometimes. I hate admitting that- it’s not very flattering for a member of Starfleet, so don’t tell anyone.”

Jim put his cup down and grasped one of her hands in both of his. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” He squeezed her hand and let go. “It’s understandable, Vulcan is…very different. I just hope that you don’t leave Starfleet too soon- we would be lost without the best communications officer I’ve ever seen in action.”

She smiled and blushed a little at the compliment. “Oh stop. I’m the only communications officer you’ve ever seen in action.”

Jim gave her one of his famous charming smiles. “Still the best!” They laughed and finished their drinks.

Jim returned to the bridge feeling much better. Nyota was okay, Spock was mysterious as always but okay, and their boring (yet unexpectedly dangerous) mission would be over in a few hours. In fact, he should be getting the transmission with their next orders very soon.

Jim stepped off the turbolift to find that the orders were already there. It was an escort mission- the Enterprise would warp to the Uzara Minoris system and accompany a merchant vessel from the planet Carnarvon to New Vulcan. It was a much more exciting mission than a system survey; Uzara Minoris was on the edge of federation space and Carnarvon had only recently joined the Federation. The whole system was rich with resources, but harsh planetary conditions and a brisk pirate trade made it hard for those resources to reach their destinations. The federation was hoping that a show of force by one of the most famous ships in the fleet would discourage the pirates, but Jim secretly thought (and almost hoped) that even the Enterprise wouldn’t be enough to discourage desperate pirates. The best bet would have been to have the Enterprise carry the merchandise, but Carnarvon’s residents weren’t quite that trusting of the Federation and Starfleet yet.

The warp to the Uzara Minoris system would take just over two days, so Kirk ordered Sulu to set a course immediately and adjourned to his ready room to read everything about the system and Carnarvon itself. He was only a few paragraphs into his first source when Spock entered the room quietly.

“Captain?”

“Yes Spock?”

Spock hovered near the door for a moment before coming into the room and tentatively sitting down. “I had hoped we would get a chance to speak before our next mission, but it seems I am too late.”

“Not at all, Spock, we have almost 49 hours before the real mission begins. What did you want to talk about?”

Spock considered his words carefully. “I understand that your style of leadership is very ‘hands-on’ as the Terran colloquialism goes; but as your first officer I would be remiss if I did not discuss the events that occurred after our away mission on x78np2.”

Jim was surprised but knew he shouldn’t be- Spock was a stickler for Starfleet rules and regulations, even the more unspoken ones. He held his hand up, “Spock, I know what you are going to say and on one hand, I agree.”

Spock’s eyebrows went up. “How so?”

“It is a risk for the Captain to go on away team missions, but I do it for more than just a lark- for fun. I also do it to raise and maintain crew morale and solidarity.”

Spock sat back in his chair. “I apologize Captain, I did not know that there was more thought behind your decision, but I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

Jim set his padd down and folded his hands. “Away team missions are dangerous; we’ve lost some of our best men on strange planets over the last few years. I couldn’t ask my crew to take risks that I’m not willing to take. Some captains aren’t willing to take those risks, and I respect that. But I also respect the strength and integrity of my crew and know that, should the worst happen to me, that they would carry on the mission and that any one of my officers has the potential to make a fine captain.”

Spock mulled it over for a moment. “I had not thought to look at it from that perspective. I do not entirely accept the logic.” He rose from his chair. “I will leave you to your work now, but I ask you to consider my perspective as well.”

“And that is?”

“That the Enterprise may be able to continue on under another captain, but some of your crew could not.” With that he left, leaving Jim to ponder what he had said.

Jim sat in his chair and thought about Spock. His concern was warranted, but Jim could never sit back while someone else risked their life on his behalf. Spock had always disagreed with him on this point, but why was he so adamant now? Jim wondered if it was because they had become closer and Spock felt free to express himself. They certainly had gotten closer over the last month. Spock was probably closer to Jim than anyone else in his life.

That thought gave him pause. Spock was his best friend, sure, but he had never felt this way around anyone else. Even Gary had never made him feel so safe, so warm, so… loved? Spock made him feel loved? He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, or how he felt about Spock now. Or maybe he was, but he wasn’t ready to face it just yet. He returned to the first file on Carnarvon and settled in to read.

Later that night Jim sat across from Spock in their customary post-shift chess game. They were in Spock’s quarters this time, at his request. The room was warm and a bit dim- the lights were lower than normal. In the corner, a rich Vulcan incense smoldered, filling the air with a soft smoke. Jim was enjoying himself immensely- Spock’s chess set was beautiful. It was made from carved stone and very old; the pieces were almost soft from use. Spock was uncharacteristically losing, taking risks and sacrificing pieces in a strategy that Jim couldn’t understand. He seemed distracted.

“Is there something on your mind tonight Spock?” Jim stole another piece.

“Yes. Actually, there is.” Spock made an evasive move. “I was just wondering if you had considered what we spoke about earlier today.”

Ah. Jim’s safety was always the Vulcan’s concern- to the point where Jim did feel a little guilty refusing his request. “I did, actually. I understand your concerns Spock, but I simply cannot ask my crew to risk their lives while I sit safely on the bridge.”

“It is the Captain’s duty to ensure the safety of the crew and the completion of missions- it is hardly logical to expect to do that from the planet’s surface. Any competent officer can lead an away team. The most effective place for you to command from is the bridge.” Spock had completely abandoned the game.

“And who would you like me to send Spock? Whose life should I be risking instead? Sulu’s? Nyota’s? Yours?”

“Yes, Jim. Mine. I am a senior officer- your morals would be intact, your logic satisfied.” Spock’s dry tone infuriated Jim.

“And if you were to die?” Jim didn’t know when his voice had risen in volume, but he was almost shouting now. He was angry; he had to move- do something. He stood up and walked away from the table.

“The needs of the ma- “

Jim cut him off. “Oh no- you don’t get to use that against me Spock; it applies too well to _my_ argument. Did you ever consider that I might not want to sit safe on the ship while you risk your life? While you beam down to some godforsaken planet where I can’t protect you?” He was breathing heavily now.

“The thought had occurred to me, but I dismissed it.”

Jim was incredulous. “Why?”

“Because I am your first officer. It is my job to go in your place, it’s my job to protect you.” Spock’s voice had risen a few decibels now as well and he was holding himself back from the table with straight arms. It was more emotion than Jim had ever seen Spock openly display, aside from when Nero had destroyed Vulcan. Jim was taken aback- his anger halted in its tracks.

“You are also my friend.” Jim looked at the ceiling; that wasn’t what he had wanted to say. This was not what he wanted to be talking about. He wanted to play chess and enjoy the warm, dark room. It was almost romantic. He snorted at the thought and turned back to Spock. “Do you have any idea what it would do to me if you were hurt? If you died?” His voice cracked on the last word and Jim cursed himself for letting his feelings get the best of him.

Spock didn’t say anything for a long moment. The silence was so loud but Jim didn’t break it. He wasn’t sure what to say and the way Spock was looking at him made something in his chest and stomach clench almost painfully. Finally, he couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Spock?”

Spock exhaled a long, quiet breath and stood. He walked toward Jim slowly, deliberately. He stopped a few feet away.

“Tell me.” Spock almost whispered it, but Jim heard him. Something clicked into place in Jim’s chest. He was breathing hard again, but for a different reason. These were uncharted waters; he wasn’t sure he was ready for this but he knew he would never have another chance. He swallowed. He couldn’t refuse that expression on Spock’s face- open, vulnerable, and no small part afraid. He made himself think about it- about Spock dying. Not seeing him every day on the bridge. Not playing chess with him and failing repeatedly to beat that brilliant mind. Not being able to talk to him when he needed advice, or just to talk. Never hearing his voice again. Never seeing the subtle expressions on his face, the ones that maybe no one else could see. Never feeling the way Spock made him feel again.

It was a black hole that he would never be able to escape. Nothing would ever be the same without Spock. He would never again feel joy without also feeling crushing loss.

He looked into Spock’s eyes and took a breath. The truth. “It would destroy me. Utterly, completely. I- “

Spock stepped forward, into Jim’s space. He felt lightheaded. Spock was close enough to touch.

So, he did. He raised his hand and brushed Spock’s fingers with his own. He felt that same tingling pressure he had felt when he touched Spock’s wrist in Sickbay. Spock sucked in a breath and closed his eyes for a moment. It was the most beautiful thing Jim had ever seen. How had he not seen it before? How close they had gotten? How much he depended on Spock, needed him for- everything?

He wanted to feel more of him, more of the tingling of what must be Spock’s mind. He lifted his other hand to Spock’s cheek and Spock opened his eyes and saw the question in Jim’s. He nodded once, almost imperceptibly.

Jim leaned in slowly. He wanted this, suddenly realized that he had for a long time, almost since the academy, but he was afraid. What if he fucked it up?

Spock must have seen the fear in his eyes, he reached out and put his hands on Jim’s shoulders. Jim let him, holding his gaze even though he wanted to look away. Spock’s eyes were soft as he stepped forward until Jim’s back was pressed against the wall. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Jim’s once, twice, three times.

Jim felt like he had been stunned. Spock’s lips soft and hot and so, so gentle. Spock slid his hands up to cup Jim’s face and leaned down to kiss him again, deeper this time, pressing his lips against Jim’s and stepping closer so that their bodies were touching lightly. He could feel Spock’s mind brush against his; it felt like soft electricity.

Jim felt like he had been underwater and had just broke the surface into the cold, exhilarating air. He grabbed for Spock- whatever he could reach, and pulled the Vulcan against him hard. He met Spock’s next kiss with his own, sliding his lips across Spock’s and wrapping his arms around him. He knew he wasn’t giving his best kisses, his best caresses, but he didn’t care- he needed Spock close and wrapped in his arms. He needed him to know how he felt.

They kissed like this until Jim had to pull away to breathe. He leaned back against the wall and laughed. Spock looked at him quizzically for a moment before chuckling a little himself.

“We are a pair, aren’t we?” Jim reached out and slid his fingers into Spock’s, making the tall Vulcan shiver.

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean, but I find that I agree.”

Jim smiled. “I can explain it to you later. For now, though…” he trailed off and looked over at Spock’s neatly made bed.

Spock followed Jim’s gaze and blushed. Jim thought he would pull away, but he raised his eyes to meet Jim’s. “Indeed.” He pulled Jim towards him for another kiss before backing towards the bed. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave kudos or a comment if you liked it!


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